Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's Raining Losers.

It's not raining men in my world.. It's raining losers. Every guy I like or go on a date with seem to be loser until I met A. He was smart, adventuresous, very funny & he was handsome.. I felt like we had a connection. Then after our date he if texted me to make sure I made it home okay.  Then the next day I barely heard from him. He said he was sick then today I haven't heard one thing from him. I'm not sure what to think. I mean even if he was sick it's not hard to text.  I hate when everything is going right then boom out of no where men just stop talking.. at least tell me what you don't like about me.  I know I shouldn't care & it was only one date but it was one date I havent had in a long time that went so wonderfully. 

I'm also sick & tired of people saying your so young you'll find someone one.. how the fuck do you know?  Or on the other hand my mother who is always throwing in my face that when she was my age she had a baby & was married. There nothing more in life I want then to be married & have a family. I just kinda have to wait until a man finds me.  

I know I need to focus on myself but I'd love to have someone next to me. I like someone I could tell everything.. someone I look forward to seeing.. I just hope my time is soon.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

6 Months Of Torture

I have been advised my surgery has been post-poned until I complete 6 months of Supervised Weight Loss Program. I feel so crushed. I wish I had never switched insurance. I didn't have to do this with my other insurance. It's to late to switch back now. So I have a Dr. Appt next week to start this stupid supervised weight loss shit. I'm pretty depressed that I have to wait another 6 months.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Epic Disaster

2011 isn't starting out as how I expected. It actually has started to be one of the worst starts of a new year I've had. My current on again off again boyfriend (we will call him D) I've had for two years vanished. He stopped returning my calls or text since Dec. 29th. I'm not sure why or if I even care what his excuse is when he contacts me again. My thought is he fell off the ban wagon AGAIN. He's a recovery addict. I'm sure your wondering why I've put up or got back with him so many times right? Well I see it as everyone has their own issues & if you at least working on them I think you deserve a chance. I have the biggest most forgiving heart ever. I just see so much potential in some people & when I see that in someone I NEVER give up on them and I mean NEVER. I assume that is the reason most people get sick of me because I'm a pusher, I push people to achieve the potential I see in them. Maybe I pushed him a little to far? I stopped blowing his phone so maybe we are on break.

My mom gave me some good advice the other day. She said if a man won't love you fat he wont love you skinny. It's so true. She also said to remember all the men who passed me up or used me or turned me down because I was heavy to not give them a chance when I'm thinner because I haven't changed just might weight has. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me with who I am @ any weight. I'm not having the WLS to please anyone.. I'm having WLS to improve my health so I can spend more time on earth.

I have some issues with my parents I don't think they see how much it truly effects me. She always puts me down with in a compliment. It's so annoying like she said the other night when she was drunk on NYE to a group of friend of theirs "Melissa would be a great wife, but she not the best housekeeper." or "Melissa is so pretty, but she would be prettier if she could lose the weight" then she said "Who going to kiss Melissa @ midnight?" over and over like I needed someone to kiss me or to have people feel sorry about me. My favorite thing she says to is "Melissa at your age I was married & had a baby(me) at had my own house.".. The funny part is I'm 22 years old all of my friends have kids & are married//have been married//engaged//or in a serious relationship. I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get pregnant before I was married & didn't get married just because I was pregnant. My Dad always said "Never depend on a man & don't get pregnant before your married" so I haven't. I know they would rather me living on my own I just can't financial afford it. I'm trying my hardest to pay off all my debt to move out. I just wish they could be more supportive & proud I haven't made the some of the same mistakes they did when they were my age.

Then off to my so called "best" friends.. best a what? Letting me down? Using me? Lying to me? Disappointing me? Ignoring me? I haven't actually what they are best @ yet. Recently I found myself closer to people I call just plan & simple friends. One of my friend(I will call her C) gives me the best advice, pick me ups, & includes me even when she knows I will say no or when she thinks I won't come because it's a play date with her kids & other friends kids.. she includes me even though I don't have any kids. She sees me for me & nothing else. Her friendship means a lot & can you believe when we were younger she stole my boyfriend & I planned to murder her.. I even stalked her one day in my moms min van when I was 16.. We have so many great moments together now. Then there is S she always listens to me. She never judges & we share so many similar stories. She actually is one of people I hang out with on more of a regular basics now. There are a couple of "best" friends I actually consider like family who aren't there for me like I thought they would be.. some how though I'm their best friend when "they" need me. When they need someone to vent too or had bad day or anything when its convenient for them to be a friend. I haven't decide what I need to do or should do. They know who they are.. they usually say sorry & i forgive & then it happens again. I dunno I just see so much potential in people who let me down for some reason. People need to really think about what a friend really means & how good of a friend are you to them & how good a friend they are to you. There are a couple people who just don't understand how much their friendship means to me.

Last but not lease the problem I had with my insurance company today.Here's what happened. I have to back track a little so please bear with me. So I switch my insurance @ the 1st of the year like everyone else, I went back to my mother insurance due to the new Obama health care law, I switched for a couple of reasons but that beside the point before I switch I did my research before dropping my insurance from my company and going to my mothers. I called to make sure the band was covered, how much it was gonna cost, & if I needed anything to do to be preWLS how could this be??? I dropped my own insurance so I could be covered underneath my mom "better" insurance. I completely felt like my life was over. I kept screaming this can't be.. this can't be.. I know that poor lady felt bad for me. Well I refused being denied as a answer so I called my insurance & the confirmed my new insurance no longer cover WLS so I cry & ask a million questions like if there was loop hole or if it was a medical necessary.. I mean I asked everything.. she double checked everything.. she said in 2010 we covered it but now in 2011 we no long carry it.. of course I was crying and panicking because I was looking forward to restarting my life. This is something I've thought about since I was 18 and finally was ready to do it.. so I get off the phone because I have to accept what the insurance say because well they are my insurance.. so I'm crying at work thing what do I do? I should have stayed with my old insurance.. while I was talking back with the WLSC i get a call from a doctor. The rep I was talking to felt so bad about what happened she went to her manager & they stated they were gonna investigate & call the company to see why they stopped coverage, she then stated it might be a computer error.. I prayed hard that it was a error. I called my mom & made her get off a factory line to call me so I could tell her everything that was going on.. she went to her HR because my mom informed me that her company couldn't have changed their coverage due to all the employees are in a union & if any changes were made they would have to approve them & all employees would have be notified. My mom then called me after she was on the phone with the insurance company & the insurance company accidentally had a computer error when renewing the 1s of the year & removed the coverage for WLS. I couldn't believe this. A FREAKING ERROR. I'm glad it was a error but I was seriously stressing. I can only imagine what else they might have messed up.. I mean what if I was a car accident & they didn't cover the hospital & they just said oh we no loo after a day of stressing & crying & thinking I will have to pay 18k for a surgery I need and want they finally said the error is being fixed & it will be covered.. now to I wait for the WLSC to call back so I can tell her to resubmit it back to insurance.  

It's been one heck of new year it can only go up from here I hope.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Very 1st Ramble!

I'm not even sure what my first ramble should even be about. I have so many things going through my head I just need to get out. I'm sure nobody will read this but if they do I hope they have better insight about how I work. This blog is not to offend or hurt anyones feelings.. It's just my own place to get everything I need off my chest. I don't spell well and my grammar sucks so I apologize to all the grammar Nazi out there. I'm not prefect and never want to be. My flaws are the reason I'm me.

Today is 1.1.11 & it's already sucked.  I'm so overweight that I've know broken my bed 6 times since I bought it 2008. My little brother calls me nopantsfitsyoulady my new nickname should be yoursofatthatyoubreakthebedbyjustsittingonit, I assume it a little bit of a longer nickname. I mean I know it's not completely all my fault that the bead broke again. I mean when did manufactures start making the side railings to support the best with partial board? I was 320lbs (I've never written my weight out before) and even if I was 150lb again the bed is mean for two people. It only breaks if I sit on the corner of the bed. Although my father wiped away my tears again it just hurts to know I allowed myself to get this way. In 2006 I weight 150lb.. I hope that in this next year with my WLS that I will lose all that weight. I know it going to take a lot of hard work but I'm willing to work for it. I want to be able to look at myself again & just be my happy go lucky self again.

Someone (we will call him P) told me today that the reason nobody wants to be around me anymore is because I'm always so negative. It's hard to wake up everyday and be positive. I have no friends. I mean I have some friends but not any I see on a regular basis. It's either they are married, & want to do everything as a couple, or they are married with kids and still can't do anything or they are single with kids and never have a baby sitter or can afford one.. or they have a bf.. I mean the list goes on.. all my friends have a excuse or the best part is if they don't have a excuse they just ignore me.. that's my favorite thing... being ignored. I know everyone is busy and have their own life but why don't I? How do you have your own life without anyone in it? I just dont understand why nobody wants to include me. Somehow they make time for their other friends.. I don't know maybe it's just me.. I wish someone would tell me.. without telling me I'm doing something wrong or annoying how is one supposed to learn and reflect and change?

I hope this year I lose weight, & find myself again.... Truly find myself.. my inner happiness. I can only go up from here. ^^^^^^